Downward spiral…

Sorry I have not written sooner. Things have gone from bad to worse with me. After my bone marrow biopsy I was in so much pain I had to go to the Emergency Room and get pain medicine as well as stay there for the night until they got the dose under control. Then Friday I went to the zoo to walk around a little bit, but I fell and hit my head, and again I went to the ER where they found out that I had a concussion. Then that night, the worst thing since I arrived in Texas happened. I do not remember much of this, but I will start from where I do remember and then finish with what I am told by others. I was on my bed playing a computer game with my boyfriend, and skyping with him at the same time. He lost his internet connection (and now comes the part that I don’t remember) He turned on his skype again but I wasn’t accepting his call. My character in the game was in the same place that I left it in, and then he started to worry. He called my cell phone a hundred times, and then he really started to worry. He called the front desk of the hotel and told them what happened and asked them if they could send someone up to my room to knock on the door and check on me. The woman at the front desk and someone from security went upstairs. They apparently knocked on the door several times and got no response so they used the master key and went inside. They found me laying on the floor unconscious, and I wasn’t responsive. I was breathing, but I wouldn’t open my eyes and I wasn’t moving. They called my boyfriend from my room, and they told him they are rushing me to the cancer centers emergency room. My boyfriend took the next flight out to Houston. I didn’t wake up for several hours. In fact, I didn’t wake up until after Brandon was there for a few hours. I at first didn’t recognize him, and I was very confused. I had no idea what happened. To this day nobody knows what happened, but I have to speak with my doctor when I see him Tuesday about this. Until then, many of the patients at the hotel (the hotel is only for MD Anderson patients and their families) are to check on me, the front desk periodically calls my room, and security knocks on my door during their rounds. They want me unattended as least as possible. I guess it is a good that I don’t remember what happened. There’s still no explanation and hopefully my doctor can figure out why it happened, and hopefully it doesn’t happen again.To make matters worse, I found out that they want me to stay here a long time and I don’t have the money for it. MD Anderson does most of the treatments as an outpatient because being an inpatient people tend to get sick more often, and when you have low to no immune system the last thing you want to do is get sick. People often die from infections more so then they do of the actual cancer. They need to use aggressive chemotherapy with me (I have stage 3,  pending what my bone marrow shows then I may have stage 4) and in conjunction with the chemotherapy they need to use a special drug called ABH. It makes the chemotherapy more successful, as well as decreases the side effects. The only thing is, it is only allowed to be used here in MD Anderson. MD Anderson is the only facility cleared to use it because they create and manufacture it themselves, and own the patent to it and no other facility is allowed to use it. So even if I wanted to go back home I couldn’t because no other hospital would be able to treat me the way I need. It is a double edged sword, one side I will be home and happy with my family and have more money to use on other medical bills, but on the other side is I have a better chance at getting better and beating this cancer, but I don’t have enough money to stay here. I know I need to stay here, but I need to raise more money. If anyone out there can help me please do. I need to beat this thing. I don’t want to die.


Day 1.

Where do I start… Today was pretty rough and I don’t want to get into any details because I am still trying to make sense of today and handle it myself before I tell anyone else what’s going on. I don’t know what to do. I hate being here. I want to go home, I don’t want to be sick, and there are one people in my life that would try to be a little more compassionate about what I am going through. Even tho there are so many people behind me I still feel so alone. I am going through one of the hardest times in my life so far, and even though everyone says to stay positive and keep my head up, it’s really hard to. I feel so isolated. I am also so angry right now. I’m mad at my body, I am mad at myself, I am mad that certain people in my life aren’t doing what they should be doing, I am mad I am so far from home, I am mad that I am going to be going through this alone… Basically I am mad at a lot of things. Everything about this situation sucks. All I’ve wanted to do today was cry, and sometimes I did just that. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle this. One thing I have learned is that  in situations like this you really get to see people for who they really are, and not who you made them out to be in your head, and trust me that is a really shitty feeling. I don’t know what I’m going to do anymore. Some people need to grow up and start acting like an adult.  They make a tough situation worse, and cause more stress on an already stressful situation. I know life doesn’t always go the way you want it to, but what do you do when it never goes your way?